One Fun Thing: JoshPants (An EPIC OFT, years in the making)

James Parton, one of Thomas Jefferson's nineteenth-century biographers, gave his dazzling range of abilities a dramatic accent when he characterized his subject as a man who "could calculate an eclipse, survey an estate, tie an artery, plan an edifice, try a cause, break a horse, dance a minuet, and play the violin."

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."    -Robert A Heinlein

If I were to re-write these little characterizations, I say a man should have some understanding about "how to play a musical instrument, drive a standard transmission automobile (or motorcycle), be familiar with the US Constitution, understand and explain all four major sports, run two miles unaided, weld metal, solder wires, and read an electric schematic or blueprint, own a good drill, operate a computer, cook for himself, catch a fish, and make pants."


That last little piece is what brings us here to this point.  Before I get too far into the details, however, I should share the story of how this came to be.


Background:  Sarah and I were, one day several years ago, wandering about the shopping mall aimlessly.  I certainly do not recall the object of our mission there, only that our discussion at one point turned to pants and how they were expensive.  It was at this point that I declared that I could make pants, and that they cannot be difficult.  Sarah immediately began to laugh at me and highly doubted that I could make pants.  I insisted I could, and she insisted I could not.   It soon became a $1,000 bet.  I had 30 days to make pants once I started, and if I did, and they were adequate to be worn in public, I would win.  If however, they did not meet the definition of pants or simply could not be worn in public, she would win.   Considering that I have little pride, I knew in my heart that I would have no problem wearing, out in public, what would meet even the loosest of definitions of pants, and I felt sure I would win.


Some of our friends caught wind of this little wager, including my bicycling buddies.  The fact that I had not started these pants made me the object of some teasing.   The fact that one of these said buddies actually created a bicycle frame in far, far less time made my own braggotry somewhat pathetic sounding.


It wasn't until I was diagnosed with cancer that I knew I must get to work on these pants.  Whether I die soon or whether I live long, I did not want this to be a point of failure in my life.   I am pleased to say that as of today, I'm claiming success.  I'm not sure what will someday go on my tombstone (likely I won't have one), but hypothetically speaking, "here lies a man who could make pants" would suffice.


OK, the equipment:  When I finally decided to get going on this, the first trip was to target.  At target, I picked up the following pieces of equipment, which were suggested to me by a buddy in Texas.


This ran me about $18.  I cannot overstate what a pile of junk it is.   Having said that, it has now earned a special place in my heart.   It took me about an hour or 90 minutes to just get used to threading the needle and making a seam.   The instructions that come with this thing are absolutely terrible, and the pictures even worse.  The real downside to this machine is that it makes something called a "one way" (or something like that, I have no idea), which means that if not tied down, you can simply pull the entire seam back out.   Obviously, this was a scary proposition to one who needs to wear these pants out in public.   I solved this problem two ways:

1) Every seam on the pants is a double seam, each going in opposite directions.

2) I tied down each end as best I can.

Tying down the ends was difficult and required use of a tweezers.  Luckily, I'd had a few opportunities to shadow surgeons, and so I tried to emulate their excellent technique.  Certainly, my technique is NOT good enough for any sort of internal organ stitching, although it is definitely good enough for pants, and I improved over time.  Incidentally, I think I could tie an artery, Mr. Parton.

My trip to Jo-Ann Fabrics:  Sarah and I went on a Saturday evening around 7 or 7:30 pm on the way to dinner.   Ladies, I apologize, but this paragraph is for the men.  Gentlemen, no two ways about it, this was walking into a hen-house unlike any other I've seen.  The place was packed, and it was a Saturday night.  I couldn't believe it.   I was honestly overwhelmed with the selection, and it took forever for the few employees at the cutting table to work their way through all those hens, and myself, of course.

I'd spent literally years debating what kind of material to buy.  Denim?  Likely too thick for the sewing maching I had in mind.  Canvas?  That would be kind of cool, probably easy, and likely utilitarian for when I was done.  Fleece?  I liked the idea of this, but I was afraid it would be too thick for me to tie my knots off, although great in winter.  Flannel?  A little pajama-ish, but another possibility, and the one I eventually settled upon.  

Any special print?  I was initially thinking something plain, or maybe a tan canvas.  Once overwhelmed by the selection at Joann, I spent probably 20 minutes trying to find the perfect materials to make my perfect pants.   Eventually, I settled on what is pictured in flannel here.   HA!  How awesome is this?  I'm making baseball pants.  Yahoo for me.

I also got myself a rope belt in red, since I'll obviously need to hold my pants up.  A rope make a nice belt.  Over my years working on cars in the garage, I've had a lot of inferior, impromptu belts made of things like bungy cords with hooks, loose electrical wire, or small extension cords.  Once I even tried an old garden hose.  It is no leather belt, but I'll say again, a rope makes a nice belt.

I didn't notice that little warning until I got home.  No worries, I'm not a child, and I do not plan on using these for sleepwear.

I made a blueprint:  A few friends suggested I purchase a pattern.  I could not imagine a dumber idea.  JoshPants come completely from the mind of Josh.   Therefore, there would be no pattern.  Secondly, I'm not even sure what a pattern is, exactly.  Thirdly, even if I knew what a pattern was, I'm not sure I could follow it.  Finally, I already had a pretty good idea of what my pants were going to be since I had years to think about it, and that's when I drew my blueprints of what JoshPants were going to be.

JoshPants:  Where does the name come from?  Basically, any time I invent something, I like to put my name on it.  I'm not that creative.   Maybe in a future blog I'll share my recipes for "JoshFish" and "Josh-a-dillas."

And so, a little side story:   I'm down in the basement, working diligently away on JoshPants when Sarah comes down to work on her computer.  She immediately spied my blueprints and began laughing.   I demanded it back.  Then she pointed out that there weren't even measurements on it!  I told her I did not need measurements, I knew what I was doing.  I can assure you that the blueprints were of a big help to me, and you'll soon see why as I have recorded my progress in making them.

Getting into the project:  So, I got to work doing some measuring.  I just made guesses at the measurements since I know my waist and inseam...and I proceeded to ignore both of those numbers.  (Yes, that is a tape measure shaped like a Green Bay Packers football helmet.  I figured it would help this project ooze awesomeness).

Then, I made my first real cut, separating the legs.  

I had initially planned on having a back pocket seen here:

This was actually the first part of my pants material that I did any sewing on, and at this point, my knots were still terrible and I was even experimenting with super glue in holding down my ends.   Ultimately, I could not include this pocket since, as you can see, my sewing machine did not have enough "arm space" to allow me to bunch up that much material from the pants under it.  Oh well.   Even better, I was making the far more complicated front pockets, and despite my blueprint, I was going to have two of them.  The blueprints neglect this since I could see from them just how they were going to go, and I (thought I) could remember to do both.  As it turns out, I hit a snag when I sewed one shut, but I eventually fixed that.  I'm getting ahead of myself, however, and so here is a front pocket:

What the next picture shows is that I made myself some cuffs for the bottoms of each leg, and then I started up the side.  The picture shows my double seam:

Here I am working diligently away at my JoshPants, with one leg already largely done.

Here is a close-up of the seam, and in the background, you can see how I circled around and reinforced the crotch.

One of the problems I had was finishing off my rope belt.  I had hoped to just sew it in there to avoid having to thread it myself.  Unfortunately, lack of space under my sewing machine arm precluded this yet again.  Although I could stuff the rope in there, the machine wouldn't sew.

So, here I am putting together the back half of my rope belt system:

Finishing it off:  This picture shows the final product, complete with pockets.   Now my blueprints don't seem so silly do they?   I'd argue not, since my pants sure look a lot like the little drawing.

Here you can see how the rope belt "works."  So while the pants themselves might be of "Old-Jared" (of subway fame) size, the beauty of the rope belt is that they can be easily cinched down to Josh-sized, for the win!   Allow me to say it again:  A rope makes a nice belt.

I finished all of this on Sunday night, but could not get to the actual tests until this evening.  This was within the 30 days, as it had only taken me two separate weekends, with an off weekend in between.

Since, my project went better than even I had hoped, and because I had a little extra material, I decided to go for some extra credit.   As such, I made mittens.  Why mittens?  I have no idea.  What good are flannel mittens?  I wouldn't shovel with them.  I wouldn't take food out of the oven with them.  They might be nice for holding onto the the steering wheel of a cold car, though, so they are not useless.

The above picture shows how I made them, and what they look like.  I only made a single seam on these, since by now my knot tying skills were getting better.  The mittens took me about 30 minutes.

The First Test:   My first test would be trying them on and wearing them.   They seem to fit pretty good, if not a little long in the legs, if I do say so myself.  By every possible definition of the word, these were pants, and I made them.

The Final Test:  My final test was that I had to wear them out in public, and Sarah and I had previously agreed on going to a restaurant, or even getting take-out.  I had initially planned on McDonald's or KFC, but I simply do not have an appetite for either.   So, we're going a little more upscale   Tonight's meal was Ali Baba, a local Lebanese restaurant in Golden that I believe I have mentioned before.  They have absolutely terrific food, and I was in the mood for a gyro and some hummus.  It was take-out, yes, but I still had to walk into an actual sit-down restaurant in my JoshPants.   

And here I am picking up the food.  The pockets are functional, they held wallet, phone, and keys.

So, with that I win our little wager.   Still, I'm unlikely to hold Sarah to her end of the bet.  She was nice enough to let me buy my bowflex, and I have a few other things in mind in the future which I'll probably need some cooperation on.   However, I do feel extremely satisified to now prove that I can actually make pants, thereby capping off a "One Fun Thing" which literally took years.

In other news, chemo went OK yesterday.  I was a little tired, but not so much as last time.  I was pretty disoriented last night and this morning, and actually managed to fall UP the stairs twice, once last night, and once this morning.  Sleep was OK, but when I really started to come around was when I got some fluids, which is surprising considering how much saline flush I got yesterday, and the fact that the DTIC is still being made for me in a liter bag.  Keeping my fingers crossed for the rest of the week.