One Month Into Cancer

Yesterday was the one month mark since my definitive diagnosis.   I guess that makes it a reasonable time to take stock of where I am and how I'm doing.  Honestly, though, I'm not really sure.  I have no idea how my treatment is going yet.  I know tolerability, but not efficacy.


As noted previously, I had known my diagnosis for weeks before finding out "for sure," so while hearing it was still a minor shock, it wasn't a complete surprise.   Being diagnosed was almost a relief.  It could have been worse.  At least I knew why I was feeling so lethargic all the time.  It explained the weird pains in my chest.  On the other hand, so far the cure is worse than the disease.  My appetite is absolutely unpredictable.  I'm obviously more tired.  I've had some side effects.  Yet, I'd say my "disease symptoms" are only marginally better, if at all.  I don't have the subjective fevers and chills anymore (edit:  I don't have them nearly as often), but the chest pains (and arm pains) have racheted up quite a bit.  I'm not sure if that is better or worse.


Curiously, I've never questioned why this happened in an upset way.  Cancer happens.  My sister had childhood leukemia, so it wasn't like I am a stranger to cancer.  One cell simply acquires the wrong mutation and splits out of control, that's what cancer is.  Why did that happen to one of my lymphocytes?  Because I had Epstein-Barr virus?  Maybe.  Certainly not definitively.  The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society puts it interestingly in the "Hodgkin Lymphoma" book (available free here):

Most cases of Hodgkin lymphoma occur in people who do not have identifiable risk factors; most people with identifiable risk factors do not develop Hodgkin lymphoma.

So it hasn't made sense for me to question why.


Cancer and all things associated with it does trigger a variety of emotions, though.  The books were right about that.  Although I don't feel labile, I would say I've experienced a pretty broad range of emotions over the past month.  I've worried about how my treatments will make me feel.  I still do.  I feel disappointed in all the things that now make me abnormal, especially in terms of the fragility of the condition and limitations on my life now.  I feel frustrated at how slowly this is all going, although I'm already through one month and one full chemo cycle.  I've felt totally ignorant about what the far side of the treatments will be like:  What side effects might linger?  Will I even be lingering on?  Given statistics, you can't help but wonder these things.  One of the guidebooks I read stated that people will say things that offend you.  I consider myself extremely difficult to offend, and I think that remains true, although curiously, I might react differently or not at all to certain things.  I think I've become more understanding of cancer.  I've softened on some viewpoints, or maybe just become more understanding of them.  I will never pass judgment on the decisions a cancer patient makes or the things one might do to get through it.  On the other hand, I've felt extremely touched by the outpouring of support and the generosity of others.  Not all tears associated with cancer are sad.  Some very little and inconsequential things have meant a lot to me.  


I'm not sure if I am someone who believes things happen randomly or for a reason.  Probably both.  Is there some grand lesson for me in all of this?  Does it mean I really needed a life-altering event, or is it as random as a genetic mutation that can activate an oncogene?   Is there some fundamental change I should make in my life?  I sincerely don't know the answer to that.  I'm keeping my eyes and my mind open for one, though.